Let’s Get Real – For a Change :-} Week 5

My childhood was a classic example of absolute patriarchal authoritarianism. I give great credit to my mom (who being of the generation that a woman’s place is in the home and there to serve her husband) who did her best to love and nurture our sibling group of three.  As is often true, I being the oldest also received the more restrictive guidance and attentions. I have no recollection of my father ever hugging me or telling me he loved me. I wondered often what was wrong with me. When I was leaving for college the first time, I took a deep breath, walked over to my dad, hugged him and said I loved him. He never put his arms around me. Whatever relational hopefulness I had maintained for him, was broken on that day. Looking back, all I can add is, he did the best he could from where he’d come.

On the credit side of the ledger, he never abused any of us or our mom. We did get a couple of ‘belt – lickins’ (actually not very severe – more scary); but can honestly say we knew the consequences and deliberately chose to pursue bad decisions; and definitely reinforced the concept of consequences. He was a dentist and very successful. He was an excellent provider, but within the constraints of his depression era childhood. We never wanted for the essentials, but there were few extras. We were allowed almost no personally driven decisions and if we expressed a desire, it was often met with “what in world would you want that (or to do that) for. Besides, what would people think of our family?” It was absolute rule; pretty much lock-down.  I was a walking example of the negative consequences illustrated in our text; except I wasn't aggressive.

I could not have been more ill prepared for parenthood. And yet there I was with a family. Predictably, I set off to follow the example of my upbringing. There was one small (in the beginning) off-setting factor. Somehow I was profoundly aware of how inappropriate my upbringing had been and also had some misty concept that I might walk the same path. I tried, mostly unsuccessful, not to do so, but the patterns were pretty deeply subconscious; almost always automatic and without conscious decision monitoring. My early parenting was better than dad’s, but I would not want to invite anyone to judge by how much!  :-}

There came a sentinel revelation that was instrumental to help me self-redirect. I’d known for some time that string of words: “…love is patient, love is kind…not self-seeking…always protects…” with a few other things in there. All of a sudden it was no longer some ‘truth-thing’ out there in the universe, but was a spot light on just how/what I was doing as a parent. That internalization became the self-check of my parenting decisions: is this kind, gentle, patient, etc? I gradually became an authoritarian parent that began focusing on nurturing the biopsychosocial uniqueness of each child; assisting in their own self-discovery of who they are still becoming.

Well, it’s been a long, winding but rewarding road. Things changed slowly and grew better. Did I mention slowly? Yes, slowly. And over the years, there have been many discussions with my kids about my mistakes and attempted corrections as a parent. I am pleased (perhaps more like relief) that all are doing well, somehow successfully surviving their childhoods and my parenting. Although there were moments of doubt, I do have a great sense of satisfaction in knowing/realizing that change is possible over generations and our little part of the genealogical tree is a little healthier than before.