Split or Stay - Week 7

I was particularly intrigued by the Kirn article “Should You Stay Together for the Kids”. My thought processes were pretty much like a ping pong game. Back and forth regarding Ms. Wallerstein’s postulates, which based on personal experience, I tend to support; or at least tend to want to support.

Here’s why. I was raised in a small rural Minnesota town. My dad was a very successful dentist and my mom a very successful mother and housekeeper. But there were deep seated issues between the two of them mostly over my father’s ongoing infidelity. Mom even served him papers once, but he bought her off for $10k. Such a deal! They did stick together and were civil in the process, even to the extent of the occasional hug and peck.  Which, at some level, speaks of love not quite lost. Or thespians!

Why did my dad hang on? As a locally well-known professional, he was of the generation that counted “appearance” to others as most important. He would have been the talk and gossip of the town if a divorce occurred; and I don’t believe he could countenance having his personal life in the public square (not that he’s affairs were a secret).  I don’t believe his ego (which was considerable) may’ve survived. So he stuck it out. Pride can crowd you into some interesting corners!

For my mom: she was a high school grad whose highest occupation had been selling tickets at the local bijou – the precipitating cause of their meeting and eventual marriage. She had no skills in an era when most women were in charge of the household and there was simply no employment market for her to enter. Besides, she knew want first hand, as a depression kid. Her dad was a vet, but times were so tough, she and her brother walked the railroad tracks to pick up coal that fell off the trains. So she stuck it out. The fear of want can crowd you into some interesting corners!

I cannot calculate the emotional impacts to my parents. My mother would pick her fingers raw and was a compulsive spender; things the analyst’s couch never divined. My dad suffered a nasty peptic ulcer, which was a several week, bi-annual, eggshells and tiptoe time. Counseling was for psychos.

And for the sibling group of three: my brother and I are eighteen months apart – I lead in age. We were aware of the tensions, but there was never any overt hostility displayed and it sorta felt ok, even though we knew at some level it wasn’t. The loss of nurturing and socialization did impact all of us in our early and middle adulthoods – a story for some other time. The youngest brother trailed us by almost ten years and I think felt the insecurities the most; perhaps evidenced by his enuresis until age fourteen.  The upside is we always felt truly like a family. Meals were always together, conversations were about current events, mini lessons in civics and things intellectually stimulating. There was structure, routine and responsibilities to attend – lifelong building blocks.

So, I appreciate Wallenstein’s position; because I believe our sibling group was/is much better off for our parents making the best of it. I know my mom would often say we kids were the only reason she stayed on. But as we’ve discussed recently in class, the cultural socialization of our society has undergone dramatic shifts in the few decades since my childhood. And that socialization/cultural norms shift has pretty well minimized/erased those older concepts/reasons for staying together. This I believe makes it almost impossible for couples with marital dissonance to consider alternatives to divorce. True, there are those that seek counseling and do manage a reconciliation of the dissonance; but for many, the statistics suggest otherwise. 

And I further believe the lack of dual parental nurture, love and socialization is woefully inadequate in single parent households for the reasons amply stated in Kirn’s article.

Here are a couple of vignettes from a long time ago and a land far, far away. It is tale of two couples. Once upon a time, I was an apartment manager in the Chicago area. And in this complex were forty units. And living in this complex were two Indian couples from the sub-continent of south Asia. As I wandered the halls and did my manager things, the presence of curry always announced the approach to their apartments.  But aside from the similarity of the curry the two couples presented diametrically in deportment.

The one couple could be frequently heard involved in VERY loud arguments and sometimes other not so reassuring sounds.  I was sometimes called by neighbors to quiet things a bit. Even though a sense of anger was usually about them, they were always polite, he definitely in control, she dutifully in position three steps to his rear. Their abode was usually not picked-up, neat and tidy. The other couple was quiet as mice, always pleasant, both chatting with me in a friendly and amiable manner. The place was always just comfortably right; and always some little Indian snack was forthcoming.

After some time, I learned through conversations with each couple a little more about them. It turned out that the argumentative couple had “fallen in love” and left against their families wishes and came to the states. It always felt unsettled, tense and like things were not so good. I don’t believe they lived happily ever after.

The other couple was in an arranged marriage, put together by their respective parents at a very early age. I conversed with them several times about this and what their feelings were at the beginning of the marriage and how were things now? At first they were just timid and shy with each other and performed pretty much to cultural role expectations. But as time went on, they became deeply appreciative and affectionate of the other; until one day – voilà they were deeply in love with each other. And it was obvious, just being in their presence. They said they just simply grew to love each other over time and that it grew out respect and consideration for the other. I fully believe they lived happily ever after.

There’s a moral or two here; I’ll allow you, gentle reader, the opportunity to parse them.